Being a Woman Is Hard

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum. Yea, I know, I haven’t been updating my blog for months now and I have no excuse for that. I’m going to write in English because my current job prioritize Malay language and after spending too much time with all the tatabahasa and spelling, I just need to use another language. If that makes any sense. I am so unorganized. I haven’t even finish telling you guys my journey in Germany, my experience of internship and suddenly I’m skipping to the working world somehow. It is crazy how time flies really fast and I am almost 20.. or something. As you know, I love sharing either through vlogging or blogging, in hopes that it will motivate someone, somehow? But I don’t know.. maybe because of the pandemic, the world just go crazy nowadays. Situation changes. I was never prepared for something like this to happen, and so do you. I just don’t think I have much to share. And mainly because I need a new camera and a new laptop. So yeah, that’s basically me trying to explain my excuses even when I told you I have none of them.

So.. what is up with my life? Alhamdulillah, I got a job offer when I was still studying and doing my internship. I have my own career plans. So this job I got is one of my stepping stones in life. It is so hard to secure yourself with a job nowadays, especially during this pandemic season. You cannot be too demanding of your job, even if you know you can do better. Everywhere people need this diamond called “working experiences” and if you do not have it, you definitely need to start from the bottom. Unless you studied in a demanded course or you have strong connections with the higher ups. It’s funny how my current job does not relate to my course of studying, but I pursued International Business before just for the sake of exchange programme. I made 4 years plan for my exchange and alhamdulillah I made it. Does it really worth it studying for four years just to reach a selfish goal? For me, I never regret what I did. And even if I made mistakes in my decisions, I do believe Allah would eventually guide and show me something better. I don’t want to talk too much about this point because that’s not the main purpose I want to write. Haha.

What triggers me to write is.. I just had this phone conversation with my mum and she was really worried about me living far apart from home. I guess KL is more danger than Germany, huh? I’m staying with my aunt and every morning, I need to walk around 15 minutes to the LRT station, take an hour LRT journey, and walk around 20 minutes to work. Basically it’s around an hour half journey. Alhamdulillah this few weeks my coworker picks me up from the LRT station to work but still the journey takes too long. I know, I should buy myself a car but I just started working and probably needs some time before having one. When I think about it, I’m kind of jealous with Paula, my friend who is living in Germany. She’s the same of my age, but at her age she already got herself a car, a new travelling van and she goes on this great road-trip with her boyfriend. I don’t know how the Europeans can do it, is it because of the differences between our educational and economic situation, or is it because the differences of our hardwork?

I used to play a lot during my studying years. I enjoyed making friends and handling society. I did a part time job during my years in USM but I was freaking busy looking over 1000 people, I have no really enough time to focus on what comes after my studying years. Alhamdulillah, the quarantine time actually helped me to relax and think things through. Now I am aiming to focus on my job.

Back to the story, I accepted the job offer for the sake of learning and having a stable job in future. It is crazy how you cannot predict the future. I believe, we women need to work extra hard and extra strong. Women are physically weak, I do admit that. Lately when I’m doing my chores I just wished that I have more strength into my muscles to carry heavy things. Haha. However, despite our weaknesses, I think it is always amazing that there are lots of successful independent women out there. I mean, woah, that needs super courage and strength you see. It is never easy.

I am an independent and strong woman, haha. I know my values and I know my strength. But somehow, I still feel the urge to depend on people, to just show people what I truly feel, to have a shoulder to lean on when things get tough, you see. Especially when you’re in a position of a leader, it is so hard to show your vulnerability to people because a leader is what people always look up to. But then again, that was just the past. I need to move on with all those years being a leader. Let’s try to be more feminine, I guess. Haha.

I am actually amazed with all this successful women especially the single ones like Neelofa. She’s amazing. Not going to lie. As women, we have tender hearts and emotional soul. It takes an extreme power of mindset to be able to embrace all those feelings and make it as your weapons. I just cannot stop thinking. These women are amazing. Even my mum is an amazing career woman as well. How can women be so freaking amazing?

Sometimes, I think it is sad. I know how strong a woman needs to be. It is never an easy progress. I just feel sad thinking how people (general genders for me to be safe) treat women like we are easy. I’ve been thinking about this for few days actually. Probably because of the impact from the Malay dramas that I watched. I saw this drama ‘Rumah Siti Khadijah’. It was about a grandfather that rapes his granddaughter when her brother is out for work. I was extremely furious. Just because women are physically weak, it does not mean that men can trample on them like ants. It does not make any sense. If I was in that girl’s position, I would have been totally broken and messed up. Especially because it comes from a person that we trusted the most. I do not want to elaborate more about the story. I just cannot understand how this type of people exists in the world. Don’t you have any decency? I really cannot stand for any injustice.

I also read a story during my editing work. It tells about someone who backstabs a rich guy, stole his money and rape the rich guy’s wife. I mean, I can probably still understand if you need money but Allahu… DON’T RAPE A WOMAN. That is just messed up. I’m so sad thinking about it. The funny part is, everything I told you were just made up stories from the writers. But yea stories like this do happen in the real world, also in our country. We live in a messed up world. Crimes are everywhere. Robbery, theft, raping, killing. And mostly women are the targets of these crimes just because we are physically weak. That’s why I began to ponder why my family is worried about me.

As much as I love taking walks, riding trains, enjoying view, I do feel exposed to risk. Most of the time random strangers will say “Hi” while riding their motorbikes and that made me uncomfortable. Not going to lie even the male workers from my working area do that. I’m smart so I can know the differences between friendly greetings and the opposite. I know there were just greetings, but I cannot understand how the minds of men work. The more we ignore, the more they try harder. I just can’t. I give up on thinking the reasons.

Most of the time, I have to hold my handbag in a really safe position because risks are everywhere. And it’s just exhausting all these feelings you have during a simple 15-minutes walk home. But I always make prayers before my journey so I believe Allah will protect me.

I used not to have worries about all this stuff but the more I think how crazy the world is, the more I become aware of my surroundings. But InsyaAllah, I will move out soon to a nearer place with my office so it will be safer and hopefully my family will worry about me less. I do not know how the future goes. Probably my life goals will change again when I get married haha (if I get married) because I have to prioritize my husband first but for now, I hope I can do well in whatever I do. My job, my part time business. I hope I can get stronger while facing this challenging world that we live in. InsyaAllah.

I know sometimes I share too much that’s why sometimes I prevent myself from writing. Haha. Anyway, to all women out there (probably only 2-3 friends that will read this), I genuinely hope that you too will success in whatever path you choose in life. You are amazing, you are beautiful. Be kind, be confident, and just be you.